A: State your name.
C: Whobitha Dust
A: Whobitha?
C: Dust, yes that's me
A: And your occupation?
C: Mother Goose County Coroner
A: And just what is it that a coroner does?
C: We investigate suspicious deaths.
A: And can you give us the name of the recently deceased victim?
C: Humpty Q. Dumpty
A: Come again?
C: Dumpty, Humpty Q. Dumpty
A: That's the deceased's name?
C: Yes.
A: Are you sure?
C: Absolutely
A: And where does Mr. Dumpty live?
C: With his parents Bumpty and Crumpty Dumpty.
A: Yeah...right. And where do they live?
C: At 2020 StumptyJumpty Lane
A: Now let me get this straight. The deceased, Humpty Dumpty, was the son of Bumpty Dumpty and Crumpty Dumpty of 2020 StumptyJumpty Lane.
C: That's correct.
A: O – K Now can you describe what happened?
C: Well, Humpty Dumpty was sitting on a wall.
A: And where was this wall?
C: It was in front of the Dumpty's house
A: That is, the house of Bumpty Dumpty and Crumpty Dumpty and 2020 StumptyJumpty Lane?
C: Yes.
A: And how tall was this wall?
C: It was as tall as a horse stall.
A: So this was a tall stall wall?
C: Definitely, and poor old Humpty Dumpty, son of Bumpty Dumpty and Crumpty Dumpty of 2020 StumptyJumpy Lane took a tall stall wall fall! - y'all
A: Is that all?
C: I'm havin' a ball!
A: Back to Mr. Dumpty. Just how far did Humpty Dumpty fall?
C: Far enough
A: Far enough?
C: Yeah. Far enough to break into about a million pieces. I guess you could say that's what he did for “fall break.” Get it, “fall break?” Ha-Ha-ha-ha.
A: Riiiiggghhhtttt.
C: It's too bad, because he was such a good egg, too. Ha! Get it – good egg! I think he fell off the wall because he was shellabrating....Ha Ha “shellabrating” ...get it? It's a little yolk, man, just a little egg yolk! Ha, Ha, Ha, oh, I'm on a roll now. It's probably a “cinnamon roll” to go with my egg for breakfast! Ha, Ha, ha.
A: Ahem....could we get back to business, here. We're investigating a possible crime here!
C: Okay, okay. So what else do you want to know
A: Did you investigate the scene of the accident?
C: Yes, or course, we already said that it happened at the home of Humpty Dumpty, son of Bumpty Dumpty and Crumpty Dumpty of 2020 StumptyJumpy Lane.
A: Was there any evidence of foul play at the scene?
C: No, not really. There were a few chickens nearby, but they were busy peckin' at the ground and eatin'. They weren't playin.
A: No, no, I don't mean fowl play, I mean foul play
C: You don't mean foul play, you mean foul play? Huh?
A: Not f-o-w-l play, but f-o-u-l play.
C: Oh, I see, now I get it. No there was nobody playing baseball near the site. Besides, even if they were, everybody knows that a foul is out of play.
A: Oh good grief. Were there any marks on the body?
C: Not that I recollect, but ol' Humpty was pretty much all over the place, a piece here, a piece there – you know. But then, my memory of the whole incident is kind of scrambled. Ha, scrambled. Get it?
A: I think your memory is more fried than scrambled.
C: Now yer tryin' to egg me on!
A: Eggzactly!
C: Ha! You crack me up!
A: Back to Humpty! Your report says he had a “great” fall. Can you be more specific on that? What did you mean by “great fall?”
C: Well you know, this whole thing happened in late November. Humpty had a wonderful summer this year, and a great fall too!
A: What? Are we talking about the same thing?
C: About Humpty's fall, right? Well, actually the rhyme is wrong. It should have read Humpty Dumpty had a great fall fall. See he fell down just as winter was beginning.
A: Okay so he had a fall fall. Do you have any idea why he fell?
C: Oh, there were some kids nearby and they were playing with a ball, and they accidentally hit Humpty.
A: Ouch! And that made him fall?
C: Not exactly. He started to cry, and he got so upset that he lost his balance and then he fell.
A: What kind of a ball was it?
C: Oh it was just a baseball, but since it made Humpty bawl, we gave it a special name.
A: And what was that?
C: We called it a Bawl Ball.
A: So Humpty Dumpty had great fall fall, because he got hit by a bawl, ball
C: Yup, you could say that he had a bawl ball fall fall.
A: Is there an echo in here?
C: But that's not the only reason it was great.
A: Oh?
C: Yes, you see the wall he was sitting on was as big as a tall horse stall. If you want to know the truth, it was built in two parts, a bottom wall that was quite wide, and a top wall that was very narrow. They called the bottom part the Wall, and the top part, since it was built on top of it, was the Wall Wall.
A: Oh no.
C: So you see the real cause of Humpty's trouble was a Wall Wall Bawl Ball Fall Fall.
A: Is that all, all?
C: Don't you want to hear about the king's horses and the king's men?
A: Sure.
C: Well, see, the Wall wall surrounded a castle, and when Humpty fell, it made a nasty smell. So they rang a bell, and they all could tell it would not be swell, so they ran pell-mell to the king's deep well, near a prison cell, where kings men did sell, liquid paste to gel parts of broken shell.
A: Wow
C: Then the men did try to help this guy after he did cry 'cause he didn't know why he couldn't fly off the wall so high....
A: Okay, okay, I need a straight answer here. Can you just tell me about the efforts to put Humpty back together again.
C: Well, the horses tried first.
A: The horses?
C: Yeah, all the kings horses
A: And just what exactly did the horses do?
C: Well, they went nay-nay here, and nay-nay there. Here a nay, there a nay, everywhere a nay nay
A: What?
C: Oh these horses were all over the place
A: Oh yeah?
C: Yeah, one of 'em fell down next to Humpty, and you know what happened next?
A: What?
C: He couldn't giddyup! Another one was allergic to eggs and couldn't clear his throat?
A: Wow, that's kind of unusual.
C: Not for him...he was just a little horse. We think he had hay fever! They took him to some water, but they couldn't make him drink
A: So the horses weren't real helpful then
C: No, they were all lookin' pretty sad.
A: How could you tell they were sad?
C: They all had long faces.
A: What about all the king's men? What was their problem?
C: Oh there were all kinds of problems with these guys. They were all over the place. The leader of the group, Captain Grumpy is really a piece of work.
A: Captain Grumpy
C: Yeah, he's named that for a reason. He never smiles no matter what. The other men have tried everything to try to get him to lighten up. They even tickled him with feathers while he was asleep.
A: And that didn't work.
C: Nope, they couldn't get Grumpy to feather a grin
A: Wow, he's a stubborn old bugger
C: You don't know the half of it. He doesn't like to shave either. It's not that he wants a beard, he just hates shaving.
A: Really, that's odd.
C: Yup, we couldn't get Grumpy to lather his chin
A: Imagine that
C: Yeah, so you can imagine his reaction to finding Humpty in pieces. He didn't want anything to do with it and didn't even want us to clean up the mess, or notify his family of his accident.
A: So you couldn't put Humpty together again.
C: Nope, and we couldn't get Grumpy to gather his kin, either.
A: So the real rhyme should read:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a Wall, Wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall fall
Because he got hit by a bawl ball
The horses were useless and so were the men
Cause they couldn't get Grumpy to feather a grin
and they couldn't get Grumpy to lather his chin
And they couldn't get Grumpy to gather his kin.
So they couldn't put Humpty together again
Hmmm....I wonder what Humpty Dump's
weather has been
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