Edgar's Spiders

A: Edgar seemed to be as normal as anyone else. He was a happy little boy, but he could spend hours by himself, playing in his room. Then one day, when he was seven, Edgar saw the spider in the corner of the room. It was just a common little brownish - black spider that had spun a nifty little web between the chest of drawers and the wall. Edgar watched it for a long time as it spun more strands of silky web from the wall to the chest and then back again. Then he called to his mom.

A: “Mom,” Edgar called. “Mom, come and see this”

B: So what did his mom do”

A: Well, she came downstairs, and walked over to Edgar “Do ya see that spider, Mom?” She bent over and looked closer. Then ya know what she did?

B: She probably screamed like this: “AHHHHHHHHH”

A: Naw, Edgar's mom was cool with spiders. So then, Edgar asked his Mom if he could keep it. She told him that she wasn't afraid of spiders, but she really didn' t want 'em in the house.

B: I don't want 'em in my house either.

A: So Edgar asked if he could keep the spider in an empty peanut butter jar. Well Edgar's mom thinks about it, and decides maybe it would be an educational experience for him, just watchin' it and all, so she said “Oh All right, but you keep it in your room and be sure it doesn't get out into the rest of the house.” “Oh I will,” said Edgar, “you can depend on me.”

B. Now how old is Edgar again?

A: Seven, but he was pretty dang responsible, even for a 7-year old.

B: Right.

A. No really.

B. Sure. So how long did he keep the spider?

A: Oh it died after about 3 days.

B: I'm surprised it lasted that long

A: Yeah, but ya see this was Edgar's first spider, and he didn't know how to feed it and take care of it and stuff. So he went to the internet and looked up “spiders” so he would know what to do. Then he washed out the peanut butter jar and went lookin'.

B: And how old did you say this kid was?

A: Seven

B: Right. And he's searchin' the internet and stuff

A: I'm tellin' ya, Edgar was a bright boy!

B: So where did he look?

A: He went outside by the garden path.

B: Did he find anything?

A: Yeah, he found a big ol' Daddy long leg. Big as a jelly jar lid..

B: Nah!

A: Yah!

B: Nah!

A: Yah!

B: Nah!

A: Yah! So he put the spider in his peanut butter jar, and he kept it in his room and he watched it every day.

B: Did it die?

A: No, remarkably, Edgar knew just what to feed it and he kept it alive. He used to let it out and let it crawl up his pant leg, onto his shirt and then up his arm.

B: Nah!

A: Yah!

B: Nah!

A:Yah!

B: So then Edgar and his spider lived happily ever after right?

A: Nope, Edgar decided to collect spiders. After all, his mom had plenty of peanut butter jars.

B: So what did he do next

A: Well Edgar started to look all over for spiders. He found a big wolf spider underneath the stairs.

B: Oh, and how big was it?

A: 'Bout as big as the palm of your hand

B: Nah!

A: Yah!

B: Nah!

A: Yah!

B: Nah! It wouldn't fit in any peanut butter jar!

A: Yah! So Edgar washed out a laundry soap bucket and put it in there. Then Edgar got busy catching bugs and stuff to feed it.

B: And I suppose that the spider is still alive

A: You got it. Then Edgar started to get really adventuresome. One afternoon he watched a jumping spider catch a fly on the kitchen window.

B: And how big was the jumping spider?

A:Big enough. Then he caught a large yellow and black striped garden spider in the tomato patch

B: Large?

A: Yeah, about as big as a baseball

B: Naw!

A: Yah!

B: Naw!

A: Yah!

B: Nah!

A: Never mind Then Edgar saw a picture of a black widow on the internet. He just loved to look at it, with its puffy smooth black body, and it's long stretched out legs, and the red hour-glass mark on its belly. He thought it was the prettiest spider he had ever seen.

B: Oh no, so now he's going to hunt for a black widow.

A: Exactly. He started to look in all the out of the way places he could find – in the root cellar, in the furnace closet, back behind the water heater, under the sink. Then, just as it was starting to get dark, he went outside He took a flashlight and found a green sprinkler box in the back yard. It was shut down tight, so Edgar got one of his dad's screwdrivers out of the garage and started to pry up the lid.

B: Well?

A: Well, Edgar worked and worked to get that box open. The lid was jammed, so Edgar had to pry on one side then on the other for quite a while to get it open. Finally, one side of the box popped open Edgar got his flashlight out and shined it down into the dark inside the box. In one corner he spied a tangled messy web. Edgar knew that it was the kind a black widow spins. He reached down into the box..

B: Now wait a minute. Edgar knows that black widows are poisonous doesn't he?

A: Yes

B. And he knows that if he gets bit he's probably gonna die!

A: Yes

B: And if he dies...his mom....is really gonna be sad..

A: Yes, yes, yes.....but you see, Edgar loved spiders. And he thought that spiders loved him.

B: Yeah...right, I'm sure that black widow is going to come out and give him a great big kiss!

A: So...Edgar reached down and touched the edge of the web

B: eeee

A. Immediately out from the corner darted a big shiny black ball of a spider, running across the web from one wall to the other, narrowly missing Edgar's hand.

B: erk! How big was it? Oh I bet you're gonna tell me it was as big as a dinner plate!

A: Nope, not yet. It was only about the size of a silver dollar.

B: Yet?

A: So Edgar reached for his peanut butter jar with his other hand and slowly slid id down under the web where he had touched it.

B: Wait a minute. How old did you say this kid was?

A: Seven

B: Right. It makes perfect sense to me..

A: Then Edgar gently shook the web again. The spider darted out from his hiding place and moved quickly to Edgar's hand. Why are you closing your eyes?

B: I don't wanna see what happened next.

A: Edgar waited till the spider was right over the jar, then he quickly raised it up, cutting through the web, and surrounding the spider. He quickly grabbed the lid and screwed it on. Then he began to celebrate – he danced around hollering “I got him. I got a black widow. He's mine, all mine.”

B: So what did Edgar do with him then?

A: Well, he snuck around to the back door and took the jar into his room when his mom wasn't lookin'

B: Gross, so his mom didn't know?

A; Nope. Edgar put the jar under his bed so that the spider would be at home in the dark. He gave the spider a name.

B: Oh? What was his name?

A: He named him Hymie.

B: Hymie? Why'd he name him that?

A: Well, you see, Edgar had an imaginary friend by that name, so Edgar knew if he called him Hymie, that his mom would think he was playing with his imaginary friend.

B: Great, so Edgar's imaginary friend is actually a black widow spider named Hymie!

A: Edgar took great care of Hymie. Every day he made sure he had a nice grasshopper, or fly, or squash bug or something to eat. Hymie ate a lot. In three weeks he was as big as your fist and he was too big for the peanut butter jar and had to be moved to a covered paint bucket. In three more weeks Hymie had to be moved again to refrigerator box because he was as big...as...a....a....

B: I know, a dinner plate.

A: Yeah, a dinner plate

B: Right, a dinner plate. Did he chase the cat/?

A: You don't believe me do you?

B: Oh, sure, I believe you, just like I believe in worms the size of snakes, and frogs as big as horses

A: Well, I'm tellin' ya Hymie was as big as any plate you set on the table for dinner.

B: Oh yeah?

A: Yeah, I saw him!

B: You did?

A: I did!

B: You sure?

A: Yup, I'm sure, and I knew you wouldn't believe me, so I BROUGHT HIM WITH ME!!!!!

(SPIDER CLIMBS UP ON B, WHO RUNS SCREAMING OFF THE STAGE.